


Taking your hand (As I always will)

by Ingi



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, But a lot of past memories, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hopefully future spoilers but just if we're really lucky, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not actual Levi meeting Erwin's parents in here, Not right now but possibly in a second chapter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-22
Updated: 2014-08-22
Packaged: 2018-02-14 07:24:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2183001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ingi/pseuds/Ingi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Levi has survived in the Underground and fought Titans, not even feeling a hint of fear, but now, when he’s about to meet Erwin’s parents, he’s fucking terrified. Pathetic. He might be a great soldier, but what a shit of a person he is.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>or</p><p>Levi muses about a few important moments of the past before going to meet Erwin's parents.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Taking your hand (As I always will)

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, so I was intending to keep it short and sweet, Levi meeting Erwin's parents and all that, you see? But somehow I ended up not doing anything of that and just wander around some angst. Sigh.
> 
> Oh, and they are probably out of character, since I've never ever seen the anime or read the manga, I'm just basing them on the fanfics I've read.

Levi fidgets with his own fingers, trying to fight the urge to clean something, _anything_ , and not because the Commander’s office is dirty… although, well, it _is_ a bit untidy, at least that desk, that damn desk with no speck of dust to brush away but with dozens of papers spread all over (but he can tell that one is _his_ fault, Erwin did tell him not to wriggle that much or the papers would me messed up… but he said it with a smirk and after all it was that blond bastard the one who had sat him on his desk to fuck, and Levi _knew_ he loved when he wriggled, so of course it was because of that he had done so and not because he had lost control over his own body).

But no, there is nothing to clean here and it is driving Levi mad. Usually he would be hectic with the bless of it, maybe he would even make a goddammit victory dance in his mind for not having those brats messing around like they always do, but right now he needs a distraction more than anything, since Erwin is so fucking handsome and so fucking slow putting his clothes on and they have no time to fuck.

Well, not really, they have all the time in the world… and it scares Levi as hell, as much as it makes his chest hurt with something too awfully similar to happiness. There are no more of those little brats around anymore; they have all gone to their homes, with their families, not at the very moment the wild idea of freedom had blossomed into their minds in a daring step but at the very moment Erwin had confirmed it. If the Commander said so, it had to be true, so the brats took the chance and went back to their lives, as simple as that.

The hallways are empty and kind of dark without their laughters, they haven’t been much anyway before, but at least there have been _some_. But Levi knows that right now there are much more laughters, everywhere, it is just that he can’t heard them, for they are for their dear ones to share.

There are still some officials and soldiers, though, mostly the ones who had gotten into the Corp ‘cause they didn’t have anything else, nothing to lose: those are the ones who wander around with an eternal surprise face, awed by the trick fate has played on them: they have gone to war to die, and the war has ended with them alive. But there are also some others, the ones with empty faces and dark eyes, those who have lost _everything_ during the war and don’t know what to do anymore.

Levi is like them, like that last group, except that he hadn’t had anything before and now he does have something, something precious; somehow, they have managed to stay alive, Erwin and he, and now he is his to keep… if Erwin accepts him, of course. And it seems he does, although Levi can’t believe it just yet.

He tries to move his gaze away from the man’s nude broad back, but it seems to be stuck there, so he stops his useless efforts and allows himself to drink hungrily his whole body instead. Erwin turns his head towards him, as if sensing his stare, and smiles at him with a point of smugness and also some fondness.

Levi grimaces just for the show and shifts a bit on the bed, sitting and folding his arms over his chest in an attempt to transmit him how sick he is of his sloooow pace. The blond raises an eyebrow (one of those huge oddly sensual eyebrows) and the tiny man thinks he has understood what he meant, but what he says then has no relation whatsoever with it and it knocks Levi out of his feet.

“You are nervous” is Erwin’s calm statement.

“Tsk.”

The Commander finishes buttoning his shirt (one Levi has never seen before, probably from the times before the war, although if that is he couldn’t even start wondering how in hell he has fitted there) and leans over him, his face mere inches apart from his.

The position somehow reminds Levi of their first kiss, that one day of dark grief.

* * *

All of his companions were dead, but it was alright, he was expecting it anyway, he had prepared himself for that so he wouldn’t be affected for their deaths and even if it had worked worse than he had thought, he would have probably been able to bear it if it hadn’t been for… Isabel and Farlan. Erwin had been the one to silently show him their badges, and his warm sky blue eyes didn’t leave his face in the second it took him to understand what he was being told. The Commander tilted his head when Levi looked up at him with wide almost scared eyes, but all he said was a barely uttered “I’m sorry”.

Levi, paler than he would believe he could get, had answered with a whispered “Fuck off” and left the room with no other comments. He didn’t allow himself to cry, maybe he wasn’t even capable of, but when Erwin walked into his bedroom (without even bothering to knock the door, that fucker), he found him sitting on the bed, arms keeping legs against his chest as if it would break otherwise, and lips trembling.

Erwin had leant over him just like now, so close it would have made him flinch in any other situation, and rested a big warm hand on his shoulder. The raven wouldn’t look at him, so he took his chin gently with his free hand to lift his face, and then Levi did look, looked at him so furiously that it couldn’t be taken any other way than the challenge it was; he was daring him to say something, anything, to try to ease his grief, but Erwin knew too well words weren’t going to help at all. So he kept quiet, and so Levi lifted the silence treatment.

“Why not me?” he had asked in a hoarse voice he hadn’t recognized as his own, and Erwin had stroked his jaw with his thumb and looked at him in the softest way he had ever seen him with.

The Commander did not say anything in the lines of ‘You are the Humanity’s Strongest, you have to live’ or ‘They were weak, they were meant to die sooner than you’. No, Erwin sighed and replied “It was not your time.”

Levi could still have kicked him hard, then, but at that moment he lacked the strength and the will, so he just shot him a piercing gaze, as full of rage and hate as it hadn’t been since he was recruited. Erwin kept staring at him with those soft eyes.

“I hate you” he hissed, wanting him to break like he had broken him, wanting him to curl up in a ball and cry like he wanted to do right then, wanting to destroy his stoic face and watch him shatter into pieces for once, wanting to know he was _human_ and not one of those emotionless monsters who had killed his friends.

But Erwin did none of those, so Levi gave up to a sudden urge and kissed him hard, if that could be called a kiss; it was more like crashing his lips against his in a way which was almost painful, with the only purpose of setting his rage free and getting rid of it if he was lucky. And he didn’t care if Erwin punched him after, because that bastard just deserved the rough treatment, and maybe he himself deserved it too.

Unexpectedly, Erwin seemed surprised for a millisecond, and it was all it took for him to transform that attack into a real kiss, and not a rough one but a gentle, caring one. Levi hated it, but couldn’t help melting into it, anger turning into desperation as his hands disentangled from his legs to grip tightly Erwin’s arms. _Leave. Don’t. Fucking leave. No. Stay. Staystaystaystay._

Only when Erwin moved his hand from his shoulder to his cheek, brushing gently the tears there, he realized he had started crying.

“I hate you” he repeated wholeheartedly, because in that moment, he did.

The man shook his head and peppered his face with soft kisses. Temple, forehead, eyes, nose, cheek, lips, chin… and then all the way around again. Levi gripped his arms even tighter and lifted his head more to keep Erwin’s lips on his just a bit longer, but then they were unable to pull away and Levi started biting hard Erwin’s lower lip and Erwin didn’t even seem to care, and it was just so fucking _perfect_ and _wrong_.

Erwin leant so much that he ended right on top of him, both of them laying on the bed and sharing kisses that never stayed tender for too long, easily turning into wild wet ones because of the desperation and sudden anguish that seemed to have fallen over them. Their hands somehow slid under their shirts and they stroked each other’s skin furiously, only breaking apart to get rid of the excess of clothes, most of that damned uniform which made it so hard to touch, to feel each other’s hearts and know they were still alive, against all odds. In the end, they were just two men in their undershirts and pants, but with their souls bare.

They kissed until their lips were swollen and bleeding, they kissed until they were both so spent the sleep took them away without them noticing. When Levi woke up, late in the morning, he was nested against Erwin’s chest, the bigger man holding him so close and tight that it made him feel... _safe_. And for someone who had lived in the Undergrounds for his whole life, that was a lot to say.

..............................................

They didn’t make love until next time, when the grief was softer but the rage greater, and even if it started as frenzied as when they kissed, Erwin slowed the pace as soon as they were fully undressed, turning the fucking into a whole body worshipping session, something that could almost be called ‘making love’, and even if it didn’t, it made Levi feel so damn good that he couldn’t really complain. And it was not just that Erwin made him see stars and comets and the whole fucking space, but he also treated him in such a caring way that Levi almost dared to believe he was something else than humanity’s hope, something... _precious_ in itself.

When they finished, though, Levi stood up, cleaned up, and gathered his clothes to silently start dressing up again. Then he walked over the door and gripped the knob for a few seconds, not daring to leave and not daring to stay.

He would have stayed, though, if Erwin had asked him to. But he didn’t, so Levi left.

..............................................

They got into an odd routine, in which Levi went looking for Erwin after each failed mission. It was as if he were only allowed such an intimacy when he was grieving, and he really did not want to cross that line, but somehow he did once, coming to Erwin with no real reason apart from the unbearable desire to see him and touch him and be touched. So the line was crossed, and even if the grieving routine still mattered, after that more days than not they would end up fucking anyway.

But Levi always left.

..............................................

And then, one day, months after they had established their conditions and they seemed so untouchable the Corporal didn’t dare to mess with them, Erwin had changed them.

“Stay” he had said, his voice firm but still so soft that it sounded more like a plea than a command.

Levi turned towards him and said nothing, caught by surprise and incredibly terrified of the sudden earthquake that threatened his stable, well-known world.

“Stay” Erwin repeated, stretching out a hand for him.

The Corporal walked over like an automaton and took his hand. And then snuggled into his lap. And then buried his face in the crook of the Commander’s neck, inhaling deeply. And then said:

“This means nothing.”

Erwin smiled.

..............................................

He knew the blond had understood him instantly, he was too intelligent and perceptive not to, and he knew he had followed his lead not just because Levi wanted him to but also because he thought the same way Levi did. But it still hurt, somehow. Why? Levi couldn’t tell. Perhaps because he was expecting he was important enough to Erwin for the Commander to skip that rule, just once, just for him, but it seemed he wasn’t.

It was alright, though. Not having any especial treatment apart from the sex made it much easier… but still not easy enough.

Levi had resigned to the idea of not ever hearing Erwin saying him he loved him, to the point he sometimes even doubted he did, at least until the blond did those little things he did that reminded the Corporal he _did_ have an especial treatment, just in the things that mattered, not in nuisances like preserving his own life. But still, he was ready to die without hearing those three words he longed for, even if he didn’t know why.

That was why he was awestruck when his statement ended up wrong and he was able to answer the (until then) unresolved variable. It was the day Erwin almost died.

The Titans were still all around them, but all Levi cared about was the Commander’s bleeding body, which had collapsed right in front of him the second after he was able to get rid of the monstrous thing which had wounded him so badly. In that moment, Levi, until then too enthralled by the hypnotic rhythm of the battle, noticed that some of the soldiers were in an odd position they hadn’t been assigned into, as if they were guarding something.

He was about to scold them with a shout, but then he realized Erwin would have never allowed such a thing and he hadn’t heard him yelling to the soldiers, so he looked around, a bad feeling crushing his chest. Erwin was nowhere to be seen.

His weapon slew the Titan who was getting his attention until then, and the second after he was running towards the small group of soldiers. “Take care of the Titans, you fuckers!!” he screamed, almost desperately, and pushed them away rougher than intended, if their startled pants were any indication.

Erwin was laying there, his uniform completely covered in blood, just like the ground around him, just like everything else; damn, there was _so much_ blood. He had probably passed out because of the blood loss, or at least Levi told himself so, but couldn’t hold back his urges to slap him in a weak attempt to make him wake up anyway. And unexpectedly, he did.

His eyes fluttered open and he breathed in weakly, but his face was way too pale and his voice way too faint when he whispered: “Le- vi?”

“Don’t dare to die on me, you bastard” he hissed in response, pressing tightly his hand over the wound, and already feeling warm tears rolling down his cheeks. “Don’t fucking dare.”

Erwin smiled, even though it didn’t reach his eyes, and managed to lift a hand enough for Levi to understand he wanted to stroke his cheek, just like he had done almost two years ago. So the Corporal used his free hand to take that terribly cold hand to his cheek, and then turned his head to kiss the palm, not giving a fuck about the blood that stained his lips.

And if he didn’t even care about cleanliness, he was in serious shit. He had held a bleeding soldier before, if the circumstances required it, but even if he could stand blood getting into his clothes, blood on some parts of his skin was too much; he had gotten some on his cheek once, and he had had to ask for someone else to take care of the soldier while he washed it away furiously... and of course he had never, ever, cried in public or abandoned the fight for a soldier. But there he was, lips bloodied, just like all of him and his clothes, letting his companions fight against the remaining Titans while he mourned.

It was then when the realization caught him, and he _understood_. He fucking _loved_ Erwin, he had loved him since the first time they had met and he had held out his hand for him, he loved him and he had suffered for him each time he was fighting out of his sight. And he knew, then, that it would hurt all the same if he died.

It didn’t matter how careful they had been, never showing the other any solid proofs of love and never benefiting the other over the rest of the soldiers in any way, and of course never _ever_ saying the words, to each other nor to themselves, even. It didn’t matter, because it would hurt all the same, but the choice they had made to bear with the war and their inevitable deaths was one which hadn’t allowed them to enjoy their moments together, was one which had given them even more pain if possible. They had been wasting their time all the way, and Levi had noticed just now.

“Fuck you, fuck you, Erwin.”

_I hate you. Ihateyouhateyouhateyouhaloveyou. Iloveyouloveyouloveyouloveyou._

The Commander’s eyelids seemed to weight way more than before, and it was obvious he was having trouble staying awake, so the rules would have to be changed, once again. Only that now it would be Levi the one who did it.

“I- I love you” he whispered, leaning over to spill those awfully beautiful words right into his ears. “I love you.”

That apparently gave Erwin new energies, his eyes staring wide and fascinated at him. Levi had the impression he was about to scold him like a child who had made a big mistake and hadn’t even noticed, and he wasn’t about to allow that shit.

“I love you, you bastard” he repeated, releasing the Commander’s hand and letting it fall to his lap so he could press over the wound even tighter. “I love you, I fucking love you, so don’t you dare to die.”

“Corporal!!” someone shouted, but Levi’s attention was fully concentrated on the man who was bleeding to death in his arms, the only person he ever remembered loving.

“Go, Levi” Erwin suddenly hissed, his face contorted in a pain grimace for the mere effort of talking.

“No” he said stubbornly, although he knew himself too well not to be aware he would leave in the very moment the Commander repeated it as a real order and not as the plea it had been.

“Corporal!! Fuck, Corporal!!”

“I lo- ve you, Levi” the man whispered, instead, his voice fading but still too real and firm not to take him seriously. “I rea- lly do. Now go.”

He let his head fall in something that resembled to a nod but was actually a sign of defeat, and leant to leave a chaste kiss on Erwin’s lips, a kiss of fading life and death, a kiss of love. He could have sworn he saw Erwin smiling before his eyes closed, but he couldn’t really tell; he had to take care of the soldiers who were still alive before grieving, that was how it was done, how he had always done it, even though that time, if he returned, Erwin wouldn’t be there to grief with him.

One of the soldiers actually touched his shoulder, probably to drag him away, but Levi didn’t need it. He got up hastily and charged towards the last Titan, which even as small as he was (in Titan’s standards), managed to kill or injury enough soldiers to make it impossible for them to slay him.

It took Levi a few minutes to do so.

And right after he did, he noticed Hanji’s yells in the background for help to carry the most badly injured soldiers. He moved over where she was, even if the reinforces had sneaked there somewhere in the battle and were already doing most of the work, and found her at Erwin’s side. She looked up at him and smiled weakly, his eyes moist.

“He is alive” was all she said, but it was enough.

Levi dropped to his knees and started to look frantically for pulse, resting a hand on his chest and the other one on his neck, but he didn’t find any signs of life. Hanji shook her head and took gently one of the Corporal’s hands, guiding it to wrap around Erwin’s wrist. There it was, faint as a butterfly’s fluttering, the proof someone up there didn’t hate Levi as much as he had though.

When, weeks later, Erwin fully recovered conscience, Levi was at his side. He didn’t remember smiling so widely in his entire life. Or having such a strong urge to hit someone hard, either.

..............................................

By then on, they didn’t bother hiding anyone their relationship… well, they started by having it in first place.

It wasn’t perfect, how they lived. They would still go out in almost suicidal missions and getting over worried every time one of them took a second too long to return safe and sound, but now they would at least let it show and allow themselves to feel deeply relieved when their worries resulted in nothing.

And by the end of the day, Levi would lay snuggled at Erwin’s side, one hand resting over his heart to feel his heartbeat and occasionally reaching to stroke the scar of that awful but wonderful day. And Erwin would smile and maybe repeat those little three words in his ear, just because he could.

..............................................

The day the war ended, nobody could believe it.

Now, a few weeks later, Levi is barely able to remember the scene with as many details as he would like, but if there’s one thing he could never forget is the way the rumor spread, wild like fire, and the expression in Erwin’s face after he carefully confirmed it: there were no more Titans, none whatsoever. Not anymore.

Erwin didn’t even look relieved, just… clean. His face was pure and clean, naïve almost, like a child’s. And his eyes sparked, now reminding even more of the blue sky, the one below they would be able to be free, finally.

After officially confirming the news, and among the cries and delighted laughters of the soldiers, who entered into an odd but understandable frenzy, Erwin walked over Levi and scooped him up into his arms, swooping him around in between kisses. The Corporal didn’t remember he had ever seen him cry, not even when he was on the verge of death, but he could see him cry then, just for him to see. And it was beautiful, because of that and because it was out of happiness.

But Levi hadn’t anticipated the loneliness he suddenly felt, as if he had been abandoned. His by then only purpose in life had vanished and everybody was leaving, and he was alone and was a fool for thinking he could ever do something else that wasn’t killing Titans. He was back to not having any importance at all again, he was back to being scum. And Erwin wouldn’t want some scum from the Underground at his side.

That dull happiness he had felt faded quickly, being replaced by a much more intense feeling of sadness and melancholy. He listened to Erwin while he talked about how they would still have to keep some of the soldiers in the Corp and rambled already in the way the new expeditions would be done, after a long healing period of rest, of course.

But Levi didn’t enjoy those moments between them anymore, too concentrated in the fact that Erwin was leaving, that was leaving _him_. He had family, from the nobles even, if what he had heard from Mike was true, and he hadn’t seen them since he got into the Corp (Mike hadn’t mentioned why, but Levi already knew Erwin well enough to understand he didn’t want his parents to suffer because of his death; it was almost the same tactic he had used with him).

Erwin had family, but Levi had nothing, and now he wouldn’t even have Erwin anymore. He was already starting to drift away; they hadn’t made love (yes, it was real lovemaking now, no more meaningless sex) in what seemed like ages, and even if the Corporal knew it was because Erwin was way too busy with paperwork, he couldn’t shake off the feeling that was just the beginning of the end.

He was only waiting, now. Expecting the blond to leave at any moment. But when he finally finished everything that kept him there, that damn paperwork and all, he simply turned to Levi that night and said:

“Something’s troubling you.”

For the calmness of his voice but also the vague annoyance, he could tell the Commander had already noticed it before and was waiting for him to tell him.

“I am just wondering when you are going to leave” he replied, avoiding his eyes.

“Who told you I’m leaving?”

“You have people waiting for you. You will leave” Levi said with dark resignation. “I was only hoping you would dismiss me before it so I am able to return to the Underground. Or perhaps you’d prefer to keep me, just in case?”

Erwin frowned deeply and brushed a strand of dark hair from his eyes with infinite gentleness. Oh, how much Levi was going to miss that.

“What are you saying, Levi?” the blond asked softly, but before he could answer, he continued in a much firmer tone. “You are not returning to the Underground, not now, not ever. And right after the war is over you request to be treated as a mere soldier, now that we can all be just _persons_ again?”

“I don’t know how to be a _person_ ” he spitted. “Scum is all I ever was, then I became humanity’s hope for a while, and now there’s nothing to hope for I’m scum again.”

“I thought you knew better than believing all that nonsense the noblemen sputter about people from the Underground” Erwin replied, with something which the Corporal could have mistaken as coldness if he didn’t know him like he did. “You are _Levi_ , that’s all. And you are _mine_.”

He looked up at him in confusion, but his heart was already stammering wildly against his chest. “Isn’t that a bold thing to say?” he said with no heat.

The blond smiled fondly “It might be, but it doesn’t make it less true, does it? Yes, Levi, I am leaving. But you are coming with me.”

“Where? And you must know that if you say something cheesy like ‘to a future together’, I will kick you. Hard.”

That made Erwin laughed, and Levi warmed at it, or maybe it was the sudden embrace in which the bigger man got him.

“That also, but no, to my parents’ house.”

And that was how it had started.

* * *

But now he is regretting it, regretting so deeply to have chosen to say yes (it was not like he had other option, really, but still…). And that fucker of Erwin, that sweet, tender fucker of his, is looking at him with a smirk that makes him want to punch him. And then kiss him. And then punch him again.

“You look lovely when you are so deep in thought like this” Erwin whispers against his lips, and then kisses him.

“Fuck you” Levi pants when they break apart for air.

Erwin smiles as if he had heard the best compliment ever, and sits next to him on the bed.

“I hoped I wouldn’t get to repeat myself, but it seems you’re not collaborating. You are nervous, and I want you to tell me why.”

“I am nervous because you annoy the hell out of me.”

It’s not that, not in the slightest (although Erwin _does_ annoy the hell out of him, but who doesn’t?), but Levi can’t just bring himself to confess he’s so fucking scared he can barely breath properly. He has survived in the Underground and fought Titans, not even feeling a hint of fear, but _now_ , when he’s about to meet Erwin’s parents, he’s fucking terrified. Pathetic. He might be a great soldier, but what a shit of person he is.

“It will be fine, Levi” Erwin says, reading his thoughts, and messes his hair the way he knows Levi _loathes_ , but he does it anyway and Levi loves him a bit more just because of it. His mind is a complicated thing, and his mind even more so.

“They will hate me” Levi states with an irritated sigh, oddly annoyed of how Erwin is so persistent at trying to make him feel better.

“Your companions don’t hate you, and you’ve been yelling at them for the last five years at least.”

And then Levi has to give in, because that _is_ true. Really. And he gets Erwin’s point; he’s not going to yell at his parents. In fact, he’s going to be the perfect addition to the family, if he lets him (and the mere thought makes his heart thud like some love-struck teenager’s, for Erwin _has_ actually said once or twice at least that he _will_ be part of the family, even when they move over to an individual house, just for the two of them, and at that the thudding just gets worse because damn, Erwin has implied they are going to live together).

It’s all much more than Levi has ever hoped. Much more than he deserves, for sure. But he will take it anyway.

Erwin has gotten up and is now standing at the doorframe and smiling at him, the carefree fond way Levi wishes him to smile for their entire lifetime, and when the blond offers him a warm hand, Levi takes it, just like he has taken it every time he has been offered and some others without any requests, just like he will take it _always_ , because it’s Erwin’s hand and yes, he fucking _loves_ him.

**Author's Note:**

> I might write a second chapter detaling the actual meeting, and then maybe even some more little chapters in the same universe. We'll see. For now, I've managed to get this plot out of my head so I can think straight again.
> 
> Well, love to you all. <3


End file.
